11 Movies We Want To See On The Next Season Of MST3K

first_imgStay on target Geeks everywhere breathed a sigh of relief when Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return was actually good. The new season, streaming on Netflix, had the blessing of the show’s creators but featured all-new talent and a bigger writing room. Thankfully, they got things pretty much right. Although the new show lacks some of the funky cable aesthetic of the original, it’s witty, dense and clever.The new season seems to be doing pretty well so far critically, and if there’s one thing we’ve learned about Netflix, it’s that they like to double down on stuff that works. So if they’re interested in doing another season of MST3K, we’d like to offer our skills as bad movie experts. These eleven flicks have never been riffed and are sorely deserving of the honor.Spider BabyIt’s astonishing that this legendary black & white horror movie never got beamed to the Satellite of Love. This 1967 black comedy tells the tale of a reclusive family of mutated cretins that suffer from a genetic malady that causes them to regress mentally after puberty. When a pair of distant relatives shows up to claim their share of inheritance, it’s everything the caretaker can do to prevent absolute mayhem from breaking out. With incredible performances by Sid Haig as the hulking Ralph and Jill Banner as Virginia, the titular “spider baby” with a thirst for murder, this is one that would drive Jonah into a fit of perplexity.The AppleMusical bits have often been some of the most memorable segments in MST3K history – who can forget “Idiot Control” from the Pod People episode, for instance – so why not go big and do a full musical episode, Buffy-style? Our choice of a movie for this has to be The Apple, a legendarily obtuse 1980 sci-fi disco musical about a duo of folk singers from Moose Jaw, Canada who come to the big city for an American Idol-esque competition and end up getting split up by Satan in the form of “Mr. Boogalow.” It’s deliriously tacky and has an ending that needs to be seen to be believed. When it premiered in theaters people threw the free soundtrack albums the producers gave out at the screens!Garbage Pail Kids: The MovieOne of the worst tie-in movies of all time, this cinematic atrocity was made to cash in on the success of a line of trading cards that were hot stuff in elementary schools thanks to their gross jokes and worse puns. Adapting trading cards into a movie can be done – look at Mars Attacks! – but it takes more talent than director Rod Amateau had to offer. The titular Kids are horrifying, portrayed by little people in repugnant puppet heads, and even though they’re supposed to be gross, it still goes too far. The plot of the movie is even worse, involving a garbage can from outer space, a fashion show, an absurd biker bar brawl and some rowdy teens.Magic Of SpellThe series hasn’t really dabbled in Chinese cheese all that much, which is a shame. There are tons of legendarily bad and bizarre movies made for the overseas market. This is one of our favorites, a 1988 Taiwanese cheapie that adapts the classic folktale of Momotaro the Peach Boy with luridly saturated color, embarrassingly cheap visual effects and plenty of puppets. It’s got that classic feel of movies like Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, where you just can’t believe that nobody involved with the production took a second to think about what they were doing.Tales From The Quadead ZoneFor a long time, this direct-to-video oddity was almost impossible to find, but the bizarre 1987 blaxploitation take on horror anthologies like Creepshow has been preserved and restored. After the most demented credits sequence ever, featuring crayon drawings by writer/director/producer Chester Novell Turner and music by the same, we get three ridiculous horror shorts, each of which is weird in its own way. Pitchfork murders? Hillbilly struggles? A lady telling these stories to her dead son? It’s all here, and none of it makes a lick of sense. This is a deeply bizarre and demented movie that deserves more exposure. Turner’s other feature, Black Devil Doll From Hell, would also be a good pick.PiecesTrashy slasher films in the early 80s were a dime a dozen, but none scraped the bottom of the barrel quite like Pieces. This 1982 exploitation flick directed by Juan Piquer Simon features a maniac killer trying to assemble a puzzle out of human body parts, a ridiculous whodunit plotline, and plenty of gratuitous nudity. But hell, Netflix doesn’t have to worry about FCC requirements, so let those titties swing. Although it’s gory, Pieces is great because of its ludicrous fealty to its own absurd logic. Scenes come and go with no rhyme or reason, and the ending comes out of nowhere with the speed of a freight train. It’d push the show in a little more of an adult direction, but I think that’s probably doable in 2017 as the apocalypse draws nearer.Ninja TerminatorShoddy ninja movies are a dime a dozen, but none have so many MST3K-able moments as Ninja Terminator. This Godfrey Ho joint swipes about 2/3 of its footage from a Korean martial arts film and intersperses some of the most inept, bizarre dialogue scenes ever. Lead Ninja Harry (played by Richard Harrison) is on a quest to retrieve the three parts of the Golden Ninja Warrior, but he must contend with a number of obstacles including a smoke-spewing toy robot, escaped crabs and angry calls to his Garfield phone. Oh, and the word “Ninja” is always pronounced “Ninjer” because of reasons. It’s a truly spectacular train wreck of a movie that’s still very entertaining.I Know Who Killed MeThe eighteen intervening years between the last season of MST3K and the return spawned more than their share of awful movies. While we don’t want them to waste time on Asylum direct-to-DVD mockbusters or SyFy shlock, there are certainly some theatrical offerings that could be improved with snarky commentary. One that we’d love to see is the 2007 Lindsay Lohan vehicle I Know Who Killed Me, which was a critical and commercial bomb. Li-Lo is an easy target, but the best thing about this movie is that you can snark all over it without touching on her real life at all. Missing legs, awful symbolism and one of the least arousing love scenes ever makes this an excellent choice.Battlefield EarthIt’s practically a given right now that the worst film of the 2000s, a bloated science fiction mess produced with millions of dollars of Scientology money, would be a gold mine for MST3K. Based on L. Ron Hubbard’s novel this John Travolta vehicle is wildly ridiculous. The alien Psychlos have ruled Earth for a thousand years, but when our hero Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (and is that ever a mockable name) rises up against the yoke of their rule, it kicks off one of the most absurd conflicts ever filmed. The Psychlos are ridiculously weird, with an obsession with gold which makes no sense in a post-apocalypse economy, and the final strike back against their planet is both overwhelming and anticlimactic.Miami ConnectionOne of the best things about the modern world is the rediscovery of classic cult films that vanished after release, like Y.K. Kim’s brilliantly goofy Miami Connection. The 1988 feature combines everything MST3K loves – inept martial arts, horrible pop bands, and ninjas. Kim, a first-time director, mortgaged his tae kwon do school and spent all of his savings to produce this movie. It shows – it’s a labor of love in the weirdest way, full of amateur mistakes and bizarre dialogue. But at the heart of Miami Connection is a real sense of sweetness and family. It’d be great to see Jonah and the bots try and contend with it.Fateful FindingsThe movies of Neil Breen seem like they were made specifically for the act of MSTing. Bizarre, confusing, packed with circular dialogue, unconvincing effects and even less convincing love scenes. The leathery, liver-spotted Breen plays “vigilante hacker” Dylan, who stumbles upon “the most secret government and corporate secrets.” What those secrets are never really explained, because we’re too busy watching Dylan get seduced by his neighbor’s teenage stepdaughter and throw laptops around out of frustration. Oh, and did we mention he has unbelievable psychic powers and his therapist is a ghost? This is a legendarily bad movie by any standards, so get it up to the Satellite of Love. GEEK PICK OF THE DAY: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Round Logo MatJoel Hodgson Talks MST3K Live, Eegah! and Returning to Riffs last_img read more